Bizarre Adventures # 34

Writers: Mark Gruenwald, Steve Grant, Larry Hama, Mike Carlin, Allen Milgrom, Steve Skeates
Artists: Alan Kuppeerberg, Paul Smith, Bob Camp, Mike Carlin, Allen Milgrom, Steve Smallwood
Publisher: Marvel
Published: February 1983

Just ten days till Christmas - time to break into the X-Mas vault and get some holiday comics on the go. I'm not sure if I have ten days worth of Christmas comics, but if I don't, I am fully prepared to spend hours upon hours scouring bins upon bins of comics, all for you, the reader. That'll be my X-Mas gift to you and my punishment to friends and family, 'cause you know it ain't Christmas unless there's a little drama. Hell, think about it, Christmas is all about the birth of Jesus Christ, and sheeeeet, talk about drama! Picture meeting Jesus at a party:

"Hey Jesus, how's it going?"
"Not well - I gotta die for your sins."
"Bummer.....can I have your flat screen?"

All kidding aside, Jesus was a great guy. You just know he'd give you his flat screen.

Today's comic has several tales all about Christmas. However, the tales aren't so much about supporting this festive holiday, but to lampoon and demonize it. The first tale, Son of Santa, is about this dude who finds he is the son of Santa. (Imagine that! The son of Santa finds out he is the son of Santa!) Unfortunately he never gets to meet the jolly old man considering Santa has just been killed by Anti-Clause, who is the opposite of Santa. Santa gave gifts to kids, and the Anti-Clause's goal was to make sure the gifts broke the next day. That and murder people. The story ends with Santa's son taking up the mantle and trapping Anti-Clause in a "twilight zone" that exists in Santa's nut sack.

Another tale in this ish has Howard the Duck living his own version of It's A Wonderful life. The only difference is that Howard's angel is the Glad Garbage Bag Man, and that the world would be better off without Howard. The remaining stories involve kids shooting hillbillies, Santas getting murdered by a revenge obsessed teenager (story aptly titled: Slay Bells!), Santa being jailed in NY, and Bucky Bizarre visiting Charles Dickens Christmas time period in the hopes of finding the true meaning of X-Mas, only to be a witness to a class war.

As the cover states, this issue was supposed to be for adults only. Unfortunately, Marvel seemed to think that "adult" means violence, whereas I associate "adult" level reading more with bow chicka bow bow. Not gonna lie, I was kinda hoping to see chestnuts roasting by an open fire if you know what I mean....

Scratch that, I don't know what I was getting at...damn it's late, how many more comics I gotta review? 287. Fuck.