What If... # 24: Wolverine Was Lord Of The Vampires

Writers: Roy Thomas & R.J.M. Lofficier
Artist: Tom Morgan
Colorist: Tom Vincent
Publisher: Marvel
Published: April 1991

Happy Halloween! I thought I would take this day to discuss a real treat:

What If...Wolverine Was Lord Of The Vampires! Hell Yeah!

Now this is a real "what if" comic. Way back, the X-Men had a battle with Count Dracula to save Storm's soul. In that time line, the X-Men were successful, but in this issue's time line, the X-Men fail, and are turned to vampires. Wolverine, now free of the trappings of humanity, reverts to his, yeah you guessed it, his wolverine form, and takes down Dracula. After a gruesome beheading of the Count, Wolverine takes over as Lord of the Vampires.

With Wolverine in control, he and the vampire X-Men quickly take down their fellow mutants, superheros and former villains. Humans are merely prey at this point. The only threat to Wolverine at this point is Dr. Strange, so Wolverine sends vampire Juggernaut to kill Dr. Strange, which he does, but only Strange's physical form dies. Strange escapes in his spirit form and later teams up with the Punisher. The Punisher, armed with Strange's mystical cape and the Eye of Agamotto, heads into battle - the BATTLE TO END IT ALL!

Well not ALL, but THE BATTLE TO END ALL VAMPIRES!


So long, spectacular story short, the good, human, guys win, but not the way one would expect. Let's just say Wolverine stays true to his inner character. Oh, what a ride.
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Marvel Ruins # 2

Writer: Warren Ellis
Artist: Cliff Nielsen, Terese Nielsen, Chris Moeller
Publisher: Marvel
Published: September 1995

Marvel Ruins 2 concludes the dark and uncaring story of the marvels. As much as I dislike this comic (see previous post on Marvel Ruins), the artwork is still outstanding. However, somewhere during the production, the art switches format. Halfway through, Moeller takes over and his artwork is adequate, but entirely different than Nielsen's. This leads issue 2 to being a a disjointed affair, further downgrading the quality of this dark and twisted tale. Take for instance the two below panels by Nielsen and Moeller, respectively. As you can see, vastly different, but well done, even though the story is lacking.

Marvel Ruins # 1

Writer: Warren Ellis
Artist: Cliff Nielsen, Terese Nielsen
Publisher: Marvel
Published: August 1995

Marvel Ruins explores the question, "what if" the marvels never came to be. The marvels being the heroes of the Marvel Universe, such as the Avengers, Spider-Man, et cetera, and the "what if" being: "what if" the marvels were diseased, dead, or in the grips of death. In many ways this fatalistic take makes for an interesting concept, but only if pulled off right. Sadly, Marvel Ruins fails miserably.

Marvel Comics have been putting out "what if" stories for quite some time, so they have developed a predictable method of storytelling. The "what if" method is to deliver a familiar but different take on a Marvel hero in 32 pages or more. This "what if" method follows these steps:

1. Define the original act in the heroes history.
2. Change some small detail of the original act.
3. Trace the effect of that small change.
4. Follow through on the small change and destroy (or alter dramatically) everything in the Marvel Universe.
5. Conclude and wrap up the story.

Now, Marvel Ruins is not strictly a "what if" story. First, it has no "what if" in its title. Secondly, the story never delivers steps 1, 2, 3, or 5 of the "what if" method. Instead, the entire story is concentrated on step 4: Just fuck everything up. Wolverine has some sort of bone disease, Galactus is found dead in space, the Hulk is mutated to all hell, the Avengers are blown to bits, and so on. Each horrifyingly different future of the Marvel heroes is presented, but never the 'how' or 'why' this change has happened is explored. It's for this reason alone that this comic fails. No real Marvel fan wants to read about the death or diseased life of a Marvel character without knowing the events leading to that outcome. By not knowing the event that changed the Marvel Universe, it's impossible to care about the changed Marvel Universe.

I guess the only 2 things that do succeed are: the dreary, dark, death-obsessed artwork, and the title, Marvel Ruins. Marvel Ruins is aptly titled for this type of story. It conveys a world trapped in the past, full of questions with no answers, rife with death, and we in the present are left curious but unconcerned.

Batman: Nevermore # 3 of 5

Writer: Len Wein
Artist: Guy Davis
Colorist: Jeromy Cox
Publisher: DC Comics
Published: August 2003

This is an Elseworlds tale where Batman is alive during Edgar Allan Poe's life time. Set in Baltimore, Poe is a reporter who is investigating the strange murders of members of The Gotham Club. During his investigation he repeatedly encounters Baltimore's most mysterious element: The Bat-Man! Poe is not sure what to think of Batman, but after being saved by him, he quickly counts him as an ally.

The third comic in the series has the mystery deepen. Poes mental and physical health is stretched to the limits. He is buried alive, knocked out and caged, and has a vivid nightmare. I'm no authority on Poe, having only gotten as far as The Raven, but Wein has crafted this tale to include many situations taken straight from Poe's writings. Issue 3 ends with Poe caged, forced to watch as Batman is splayed on a table as a razor edged pendulum swings slowly above.

Since my knowledge of Poe is based on pop culture references, I think I missed many of the more subtle nuances to this series, but overall I was fairly impressed. The artwork is dark, dreary, and foreboding. The Batman of the 1800's is believable, and Poe as a character works perfectly alongside the Dark Knight.

While I was reading the section where Poe was buried alive, my mind absently turned to the actual fear of entrapment. I've never liked enclosed spaces, having once as a kid been zipped up in a suitcase (my doing...I thought I could take it...but I couldn't). Luckily, I was able to be released, but to imagine a situation of being buried alive with no escape...well that's just horrifying.

I found a very interesting article on In Repose Blog discussing the fear of being buried alive. The section of the article that stood out most though was the methods doctors and physicians from the 17th and 18th centuries would take to ensure someone was dead. These included tobacco smoke enemas, hot pokers prodded in various orifices, nipple squeezes with pliers, and tongue yanking. Makes sense to me, if it's sensitive - poke it or squeeze it. It's that kind of logic that has consistently earned doctors the big bucks.

If a person was fearing being buried alive they could purchase a coffin with a bell system built into the grave. This would enable the wrongly dead to ring the bell if they were still alive. This same idea is the source behind building intercoms into coffins.

Now, if I was alive during this period, and I had to choose ahead of time whether I wanted to be confirmed dead, or assumed dead and buried alive, I think I would go with assumed dead. I'd rather rely on a bell to save me, than to be alive and risk the chance that I get the doctor with a penchant for poking orifices with hot metal rods. There's only so many orifices, and it would be just my luck....